Common sense they tell me… I can’t help but think that it goes deeper than that. People say one thing and mean million other things, the world seems complicated and sometimes cold fragmented. I can see them now flailing heir arms in the air looking at me intensely with their googly eyes expecting that I understand what they are telling me. I nod… What else could I do all the while trying to understand this alien the NT (NeuroTypical) (Normal) maybe it’s me that’s the alien the person makes a huff noise and walks away at least it’s quiet now. We don’t always realise that it is not about common sense or intelligence that allows us to speak this language it is an innate instinct one that even a baby knows what the Mothers facial expression means. I was called awkward, difficult and insensitive and yet I try so hard to be the complete opposite this is the Hidden Language…
Crowds are the platform of this hidden language where each person is like a player in a game all these individuals morphed into a solid block that I had to navigate around one sound becomes a waterfall made out of needles and screeching chairs. How other people spend hours in town I can’t comprehend as I spend most of my time trying to find a safe place within this battlefield of noise and sweaty bodies. The best thing someone could is saying we are going here and then there just so I have an inkling of the familiar pattern the pattern of “Order” in the Chaos that surrounds me. There are many ways of achieving this I repeatedly rub my face in one direction from the top right hand corner to the bottom left, some people flap their arms, jump up and down, tap the table, itch, position objects and mt personal favourite doing all of these within one hour. We live in the world of sensory of textures, smells and sounds that don’t always enhance our experience.
Think about it like this there is a music hall your favourite band is playing there later on and they want you to control the sound system there is guitar, bass, vocal and drums you are controlling the volume the band starts playing you are turning up the volume slowly each one accordingly. You can hear each instrument, then suddenly the sound system becomes out of control instead of people enjoying it and rocking too and fro they are holding their ears in pain not enjoying it at all the same music different effect.
There is another way of blocking the sound out earplugs and earphones I tell you now they are a life saver when it comes to aspies and wear what’s comfortable to you even though you look cool now with you itchy top your aching heels in two hours time you will regret it and then there will be nothing cool about your mood. MORE SURVIVAL TIPS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.
Aiming for Perfection
Perfection isn’t attainable as in an Aspies view it is as long as “Pi” and nobody know how far the rabbit hole goes but there is an illusion a bit like when you try to find the start of a rainbow that somehow it is possible. So why my Psychologist asked is Perfection so important my answer “…” Just because it is I can’t seem to be able to put in to words my need for it or my depression because of it but I know it doesn’t just effect my own perception but my perception of others. My brain throws out a picture of a “Perfectionomiter” and everyone is measured against it unknowingly they are being put in a complex system of which is ordered and then filed into my brain. It explains why when I hear the word “Chav” my hairs stand on end, endlessly falling is not a pleasant experience as other people on the way admit defeat and grab hold of something anything.
I ask the question is it just so that my brain can make sense of this alien world this fantasy jungle that has no apparent consistent rules or consistency of any kind this world of chaos where I try to bring order.
Suggestion: Maybe why Aspies tend to like Detective Stories and Films/Series (My favourite Miss Marple, Poirot, Sherlock, Murder she wrote and Rosemary and Thyme)
It is also why we compartmentalize breaking this huge world down to the smaller one of Star Trek or Documentaries in my case the world is too confusing and we must be in control! Like a computer we take out the unnecessary information (The small talk, peoples names, birthdays) and limit ourselves to a few NT friends unless we can find a compatible group of Aspies. Making sense of the NT world is a struggle and really takes it out of me so let your Aspie rest at least once or twice a day depending on the social occasion and do NOT tell them off for it!
See you in the Next Chapter (3 days time)